From London With Love

BGT (For CUB – March Issue) | February 22, 2010

It’s the standard set-up: A panel of judges (one possessing God-like qualities in the world of…well, ITV), a string of desperate auditionees and a hot-blooded audience. Yep, you guessed it…

Or maybe you didn’t. You’re probably spoilt for choice as to which talent show I’m referring to. There are, after all, so many of them showering the television screens of the nation every Friday (and Saturday and Sunday) night – I should probably just let the cat out of the bag.

Well (if the title wasn’t a give-away) it was Britain’s Got Talent that I happened to attend a live filming of recently. And all I can say is, thank god the tickets were free.

So I might have bailed six acts before the finish, but despite the hideously crap magicians and wrinkly acrobats, it wasn’t the sour entertainment that forced me to scoot. I was more irritated Amanda Holden’s oh-so-original “one hundred percent yes!” comments, not to mention harsh heckles from the audience.

By the time I made my swift exit, I had more respect for the transvestites-on-crutches act than the panel of judges. At least they really were original. I felt as if I had given in to ITV’s ploy to keep us cooped in front of the television every weekend.

Even though it’s thanks to shows like BGT that young (and old) people everywhere are pursuing their dreams and becoming successful, isn’t it all becoming a little repetitive? Young dance groups looking for their big break (again), unsuspecting opera singers, sympathy votes for single fathers…

Here’s a typical audition. Cheeky chappy number 3077 totters on stage (guitar in hand) and introduces himself, before belting out one of his favourite chart toppers. It’s all very average. Mid-song, Cowell and his gang interrupt this shiny young thing, inform him that it’s “just not working” and ask him if he has any other songs prepared. Cheeky chappy pauses for thought, puts down his worn out guitar and suddenly sings an old classic, A Cappella. Cue “Three yeses!” and emotional background music (usually Westlife).

Admit it; you know exactly what I’m talking about.

And the real issue I’m trying to highlight here isn’t that BGT is really a heartless money-making machine, or even that Piers Morgan needs to work on some new one-liners. No, the sad truth is that while the whole world sits in every weekend to find out if Stacey from Essex has got through to the next round, the real talent in Britain is being ignored.

Comedy stores, theatres, art galleries, museums, even the cinema; there are countless opportunities to experience what brilliant, established artists in Britain have to offer. And some of it is even free.

So next time you find yourself gagging over the likes of Jedward, put on your coat and step outside. When it comes to entertainment, London is number one… and we don’t need Simon Cowell to tell us that.